I thought about writing this in the family blog, but I don't think I have it in me. I am just really tired of some things. I am tired of how we treat each other in my family - and I especially mean me. I think I am most tired of how I treat others in my own family. I feel like I am a totally different person when contrasted to how I acted growing up, but my family wouldn't know it. The instant I get around people in my family, I revert to hormonal, pubescent me, and it kills me. I am so sick of not knowing how to be what I consider the real me around people I ought to be closest to. I feel like I have pushed away my family for my entire life - never letting them see what is actually happening inside me.
The reasons are many, I'm sure, and I have thought of some and probably missed several. But the reasons are inconsequential, I think. Carrie has seen me for real, and she hasn't even left yet. Credit that woman with some patience - and then whatever it is that keeps her around after the patience has been worn away to the bone. I have some friends who have seen some real parts of me. I have had some therapists see real bits of me. But I don't feel like I have ever opened up to my family any substantial part of me.
I am really tired of not being able to get along with my siblings. I don't know where the need to compete and argue with them comes from, but I freaking hate it. I am filled with regret every time I have some heated argument about some crap that could not matter less. Why do I waste that time? Where does it come from? Is it because there is some unspoken set of rules that dictates we must be complete jerks to each other? I feel like I can disagree with Chanda and be totally fine with it - like I don't have to win. At least most of the time. But with everyone else (except Cherish - we should hang) I feel this need to win the conversation - even if it starts about some menial topic with no sides at all to take. I feel this pressing need to be accepted and respected and maybe feared or something, and I feel the struggle to be some mysterious "someone" around my family - and it honestly makes no real sense to me. I can see where some of it comes from, like I said, but I don't understand why.
Maybe I'm not alone in feeling some of these things, but whether anyone else feels happy or sad, vindicated or guilty, makes no difference to the fact that I feel downright shameful about some of the things I have done and said to my own blood. I bring this up, because I don't know how strong the blood tie even feels to me at this point. I don't feel really close to any of my siblings or parents. I feel like I want to, but I'm not actually there. I feel like for so much of my life I discounted and discredited things that matter so much more than things I aggrandized. I thought that a well-thought-out logical defense of a point trumped emotions. I have been such a douche. I need to talk to all of my siblings and parents and apologize to them. Sure, there are things that still smart from experiences with all of them, but I have no business waiting for an apology before I apologize. I don't want to put out a blanket apology on here - that seems so petty and cheap.
I think it would be cool to be actually close with my family - the way I want to be. I admit that I feel a little paralysis in thinking about actually making the jump to be where I would like to be with my family. I admit it is pretty lame that I am blogging about this. I admit I am a wuss. I feel pathetic and weak by not being able to just buck up and make things right and good between me and my family. I don't want to say that is wrong or right - only that I am feeling those things. I definitely feel like I am not getting anywhere in this chain of thought anymore, so I will just stop.