Thursday, August 20, 2009


I thought about writing this in the family blog, but I don't think I have it in me. I am just really tired of some things. I am tired of how we treat each other in my family - and I especially mean me. I think I am most tired of how I treat others in my own family. I feel like I am a totally different person when contrasted to how I acted growing up, but my family wouldn't know it. The instant I get around people in my family, I revert to hormonal, pubescent me, and it kills me. I am so sick of not knowing how to be what I consider the real me around people I ought to be closest to. I feel like I have pushed away my family for my entire life - never letting them see what is actually happening inside me.

The reasons are many, I'm sure, and I have thought of some and probably missed several. But the reasons are inconsequential, I think. Carrie has seen me for real, and she hasn't even left yet. Credit that woman with some patience - and then whatever it is that keeps her around after the patience has been worn away to the bone. I have some friends who have seen some real parts of me. I have had some therapists see real bits of me. But I don't feel like I have ever opened up to my family any substantial part of me.

I am really tired of not being able to get along with my siblings. I don't know where the need to compete and argue with them comes from, but I freaking hate it. I am filled with regret every time I have some heated argument about some crap that could not matter less. Why do I waste that time? Where does it come from? Is it because there is some unspoken set of rules that dictates we must be complete jerks to each other? I feel like I can disagree with Chanda and be totally fine with it - like I don't have to win. At least most of the time. But with everyone else (except Cherish - we should hang) I feel this need to win the conversation - even if it starts about some menial topic with no sides at all to take. I feel this pressing need to be accepted and respected and maybe feared or something, and I feel the struggle to be some mysterious "someone" around my family - and it honestly makes no real sense to me. I can see where some of it comes from, like I said, but I don't understand why.

Maybe I'm not alone in feeling some of these things, but whether anyone else feels happy or sad, vindicated or guilty, makes no difference to the fact that I feel downright shameful about some of the things I have done and said to my own blood. I bring this up, because I don't know how strong the blood tie even feels to me at this point. I don't feel really close to any of my siblings or parents. I feel like I want to, but I'm not actually there. I feel like for so much of my life I discounted and discredited things that matter so much more than things I aggrandized. I thought that a well-thought-out logical defense of a point trumped emotions. I have been such a douche. I need to talk to all of my siblings and parents and apologize to them. Sure, there are things that still smart from experiences with all of them, but I have no business waiting for an apology before I apologize. I don't want to put out a blanket apology on here - that seems so petty and cheap.

I think it would be cool to be actually close with my family - the way I want to be. I admit that I feel a little paralysis in thinking about actually making the jump to be where I would like to be with my family. I admit it is pretty lame that I am blogging about this. I admit I am a wuss. I feel pathetic and weak by not being able to just buck up and make things right and good between me and my family. I don't want to say that is wrong or right - only that I am feeling those things. I definitely feel like I am not getting anywhere in this chain of thought anymore, so I will just stop.


Jennifer said...

I love you. I appreciate you opening up and becoming vulnerable about such a tender subject. I don't think you are alone in these feelings. I often feel them in my own family. I'm impressed that you are discussing them so openly and honestly. I can't believe you said douche. I love you.

Martin Andrews said...

What's better than saying douche? Is that how you spell it? Wait. Yep. Good spelling on douche. I think that's a good step in and of itself.

Brian our family has always and will always struggle with feeling close when all of us are living our lives so far apart. None of us know the solution because that is all we've known. We've never grown up around blood family which is why many of us consider our friends often times closer. Plus we grew up knowing that one side of the family didn't even want us. I know these aren't the only reasons but it plays a huge part. It was our culture growing up and for whatever its worth, it still is our family culture today.

So you know, I don't have any bad feelings toward you in any regard. I do recognize that you and I approach many things differently and I'm ok with that. I'll go ahead and throw a blanket apology out there since I'm sure there were a number of incidents that I was at fault for being a jerky big brother. We were dumb kids but overall I wouldn't trade a moment I had growing up with my siblings.

I also don't think its wrong that you have parts of you that different people know outside of your family. Actually I'm drawn to people that "allow" me to feel comfortable being a certain way that I wouldn't be around someone else. I think that is ok.

Additionally I think that we continually go through life learing more and more things about ourselves and it takes time to find a way to let others in on something that we're still trying to get used to. Maybe if I would have talked you into running down the street naked a few more times, you wouldn't feel so hesitant to be you! Bring it dog!

Tell me in what way you want to be closer. I'm interested in hearing your perspective so long as its not BrokeBackMountainish or involving the installation of car seats. I'm game.

I've always enjoyed the arguments. Its only my siblings and maybe two friends that I feel comfortable enough to have them with. I learn so much from them. I'm sorry if any of them had upset you.

You're my brother. With that comes my complete loyalty. Overall it just sounds like you've been out of Texas for too damn long.

Way to streak your emotions down Blog Blvd!



Brian said...

Thanks, guys. It means a lot to be able to be honest and accepted. I think a lot of my not feeling accepted had a lot to do with not being completely honest. Maybe not even halfway honest. I don't think people can actually accept something that isn't real, you know? I am torn because I would like to start fresh, but how do you do that with so much distance? Further, how do you do it with so much history?

Anyway, thanks for being supportive - both of you. I love you. Also, I am so happy I could brighten your day by using the word "douche" completely out of proper context. You should be around me more - it is a common occurrence.



Chanda said...

Brian, you're the bestest. I have to tell you, just so you know, that from my side, I have no hard feelings toward you. None whatsoever. I love you and your quirks and always will. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you in high school. I was never embarassed of you and always appreciated your kindness and the times you stood up for me. Would you believe me if I said I have no reason for my behavior other than being very, very sad in high school? As for now, you annoy me at times, you crack me up at times, you're my bro, you know?